He figured that if a cat could eat its own tail in hunger, having accidentrally locked itself in a closet whilst its owners went away for a weekened, then he would have just a good chance of inseminating as many women as possible.
It was probably just as painful, and probably just as difficult as eating your own tail.
Of course, he ahd read the article, and wondered why it was that the cat chose its tail to eat, and not possibly its paws – tails are often redundant, but how a cat understands the concept of redundancy he jsut does not know. Although, according to a quick glance at the interweb, cats are actually smarter than dogs, and probably made the asplit decision to keep itself alive by biting off its own tail, then licking the wounds, then gently attempting to make the sausage-like entity that was indeed its tail, last as long as possible.
Therefore, according to wikipedia, and the at that ate its own tail, as well as a certain grey oparrot that made the noises “bard, I love you” to an unfaithful girlfriends boyfriend (whose name, was calulably, Steven), he decided to thereu[pon wreck his revenge again all women, as well as any parrots he came across.
cats, he liked, and was rather repelled by the idea of a cat eating its own tail – I mean, fuck, he was the guy who had almost vomited when he’d seena photo in the local paper of a cat (alive, not dead) with an arrow through its body (intact, bow, not crossbow).
his first attempt was laughable.
He didnt wear a condom.
Two days later, he fought off a terrible case of crabs and fiery piss that seemed as though someone had injected a miniture cat itself down his urethra, and the little cunt was not only chasing its own tail in the hopes of eating it, but slashing the inside of his wang with its feisty claws. He decided that protection was more than likely warranted, and that perhaps he would find another means of inseminating women.
1) He did not want to be a father
2) he was a very, very attractive man
3) he did, indeed, have a big dick – not so much long, but wide
4) he did not have any fatal diseases, and, apart from the crabs and the clap, he was quite clean
5) he had a fistful of dollars from a financial windfall, involving his dead aunt, he grappa distillery in her back shed, and the same said cat knocking it over whilst she was in the middle of the boil. Needless to say,h e inherited it all, and after much tears, decided to travel the world.
In the city of his first stop, he met a girl at the bar. Proceeded to woo her, wine her, and slipped her a rohypnol. They managed to get back to her hotel room,h e opened the door, laid her out on her bed and hiked her skirt up.
The sight of bare legs always excited him.
He took a small tube, pulled out his cock, and in a flurry of handstrokes managed to dispense ample amounts of semen intot he vwessel. He then took a small amount of tube, put his lips to it, and sucked said semen up into the tube. He leanted down, inserted the tubge into the girls cunt, and blew.
That was his first.
The next morning,h e was on the plane, sipping gin and tonics, and chatting up the flight stweardess. The next ngiht, he was fucking the stewardess on her delux water bed in some mid-american town, and enjoying himself thoroughly.
He didnt always nee to use pills, and indeed, wuite enjoyed the odd fuck here and there. But that was not his mission.
timeline: before termination
objective: place semen from body into girls vagina, in hopes of impregnating enought women.
hypothesis: in several million years time, all human life will contain genetics from his body,t hus, rendering him unto each individual left.
conclusion: if each human entity contains genetic traces of said individual, said indivudal is there fopre father to all of humanity. Father of all of humanity is unto God. Therefore, in several hundreds of thousands of years, he was to become God of all humanity.
Inseminating as many women as possibly seemed a slight cost towards the attainment of Godhood.
After they fucked, she fell into a slight stupor. He took the condom off that he ahd been wearing, and dipped his fingers inside, smearing his cum all over his fingers. He leavned over and kissed her, and probed his fingers inside her now red, raw and extremely dripping pussy, murmuring sweet nothign and rationas besides – fingers up, semen in.
That should do,h e thought.
For weeks he travelled. No two were alike. Fat, shrot, petite, faces like a beaten soccer ball of with eyes of a angel – he wasnt picky, althought they had to have that “flush” about them. soenmthing that told him that their descendants would survive the coming future. In weeks, he ahd fucked or managed to pass on the best of his loins pride to over three hundred and fort yeight women, with no end in sight.
And in his wake:
success rate: 34% of all girls inseminated
67% of inseminated women abort
5% of inseminated, to keep babies miscarried
the remaining children lvied to term. Extrapolation deems a time period of three hundred and ninetry five thousand years to godhead.
He crunched the numbers. Chcked his bank account – the money was remaining, the urge was increasing, and the need to bring the timeframe down was a constant tick in the back of his neck, a crick if you must. soemwhere that a cat will crawl up and nuzzle you as you sleep, and wipe its little wet cat nose on your neck.
Thats what he missed – his cat.
Around his hand, is a bracelt. Upon dead, they will come – remove his head with some kind of strangely named hacksaw (although, in actual fact, it will indeed only be a hacksaw, no matter how prettily they will name it), take his head and freeze it in liquid nitrogen, with the explict purpose of being woken in three hundred and fifty thousand years.
Plus or minus several thousand cats.
It didnt always go well – sometimes they caught him out, and he tried to cry rape. Sometimes they liked it. sometimes they screamed “Fuck me, cum in me, cum in me” to which he realsied that they may possibly have been on the pill, in which case he would withdraw, and cum on their breasts, or in their mouths, or on their hair instead. Anywhere but inside – what a waste, he would think. all those glorious swimmers, those minions of god, wasted on a sticky mass of globbed up white across a bitches hairline.
Once, he got caught drugging a girl – but for lack of proof, he was released.
He travlled from townt o town, city to city, country to country, all the while inseminating, dopdging, playing, romancing, fucking, licking, often – often, almost gettihng it all wrong, soemtimes, getting it all right – until, by his calculations, the time was a nice tight variable of three hundred and forty thousand years.
so he decided – one or two more, one or two more. Easy to do – easy to do.
He started looking at classified for a palce to live in the next state over of the country he was visinting- somewhere far enough away that any sproglings wouldnt bother him, or he could deniy it anyways. He would change his name. He’d buy a burmese cat, and chop off its tail when it was young, so at least it didnt ahve the horror of having to eat its own tail if he ever accidentally left it int he cupboard when he went away on a holiday.
He wouldnt marry, but he’d have lots of lovers.
He’d make sure,t hat he got his dick tied. Vasectimated. Eviserated. Put the bung into the hole, so to speak – there was enough of him to go around.
So he looked for the perfect special. The girl to whom he’d bequeath his last rom-rod energy packed, loaded pineapple flavoured gene-rocket.
she’d like cats, ideally. He’d be petite. Normal. Brunette. Cute as a buttom and completely throw-areopundable.
He found her in a library.
He went back a few times.
He asked her out.
They went to dinner.
She liked cats.
They went to his place.
They took off their clothes.
After she begant o fall asleep, he took the condom, and this time, upturned it inside-out all over his fingers – the common play, the normal thing – she, had her back to him, and he didnt fear to be seem – he took his hand down, placed it between her legs and….
she turned, and slapped him.
Mirrors on the ceiling.
girl seeing what he’s doing.
He knew it to be the last one, so did, what he ahd not done before. Forced her down, lay her down, took pride in his effort. Smeared his genes amonsgt the petals of her sex and flew intoa rage so far gone that even he could not recuperate. after, she lay bleeding, dishevelled and broken – lasting in consciousness to ask some meaningless words for her mother.
To make sure he got the job done right, he stayed. He wanked. He stood over her, and put his god-minions into her flesh as many times as was possible.
He went to the kitchen.
He washed his hands in the sink.
He took a gun from his pocket, and walked tot he roof of the aprtment, and shot himself – once, through the heart, quickly, all the while wondering if he had forgotten to leave the cat door unlocked on the girls apartment, so that the cat could get in, and get out, and eat food, and do wahtever it was that cats generally do whent heir masteres are lying half dead on their bedroom floors.
After a minute, his bracelet chimed. They came some minutes later, helicopter in stead. They took a hacksaw, and placed his head in a bucket laden with liquid nitrogen laced with copious amounts of “sepcial additives” to stop cell ruptures. His herad would alst thousands of years, hundredas of thousands of years, if kept intact, they murmured. Long enough to revive him, they murmered.
Yet his final thought, as the bullet had taken his vastness into his own god-knighted future, was not of remorse, was not of anticipation, and was not of fear or tribulation or ecstacy at having obtained his objective
– it was,
“None of that was anywhere near as painful as eating my own tail would have been ….”
…and as she woke in the room below, and began uttering her screams, sperm raced upwards inside her, seeking a Godhead of their own to match the plans of his.
Parrots not included.